Purim Message from The Zionist Voice

Chag Purim Sameach

To my beloved readers:

As many of you know, it has always been my dream to be a writer. Not just a writer, but a financially stable writer.

As a Zionist poet, the dream of one day supporting myself through writing alone has always seemed, well, one-step short of impossible.

However, I was recently contacted by an anonymous benefactor who has generously decided to fund my work in its entirety.

Without revealing too much, all I can say is that this anonymous benefactor has long been a supporter of American higher education, and they have invested more than $300 billion in American universities.

In addition to their generous support of American education, they have also invested hundreds of billions of dollars in the fight for global freedom by investing in many organizations dedicated to the liberation of oppressed people across the world.

Many leaders of these freedom-fighting organizations have actually been given free housing in 5-star accommodations by this benefactor, and I hope that, one day, I too may receive such generous accommodations from this anonymous benefactor.

Some people may be concerned that this new benefactor will not let me write and publish as freely as I used to.

To them, let me say this: as long as I write things that are completely within their confines of the narrative they wish to push, I am free to write and publish whatever they want.

Just as their other beneficiaries, like Columbia, Brown, and all of the other Ivy League universities, have received this generous support with no strings attached, I too have received this generosity with no strings attached.

Besides, of course, the non-explicit understanding that the money will dry up if I ever stop promoting their agenda.

But why would I ever stop promoting their agenda?

Like the Ivy League, there is nothing, and I mean nothing, about this mysterious foreign benefactor’s agenda that does not align with my own.

My benefactor believes that all people, except for Israelis, deserve the right to live freely, by any means necessary.

They believe that all forms of resistance, no matter how violent, are always justified. Unless, of course, we are talking about the self-defense of Jews and Israelis.

Like the Ivy League, I take this money with 0 qualms.

There is no one who supports speech more than my benefactor – that is why they are offering me so much money.

For far too long, Americans have been given speech for free.

Now, my benefactor is offering to pay me for my speech.

And this, I have to say, is far more exciting than free speech ever was.

In exchange for speaking the things that I am told, I receive money.

Lots and lots of money.

Before, when I merely spoke the things that I believed or the things which I thought were true, when I spoke “freely,” I barely got paid anything.

Besides my beloved paid subscribers, I never got paid for my free speech.

But now?

Now I am wealthier than I could ever have imagined, and, like the Ivy League Universities who have been the beneficiaries of this string-less generosity, it cost me absolutely nothing.

Nothing except my integrity.

But integrity, I have learned, is worthless – that’s why no one pays you for it!

Think about every famous defender of free speech who ever lived – they were all broke.

So, it is with great pride and joy, that I announce to you all, that The Zionist Voice will be undergoing a name change.

For this Purim, we will be changing our name to, The Zionist Voice for Antizionism, De-colonialism, Violent Resistance, Islamist-Marxist-Mao-Zedong-Thought, Justice, Freedom, Shouting, Chanting, Mask-Wearing, and Ceaseless Intifada.

If you think that our decision to change our name and values has anything to do with this recent influx of mysterious money, you must be out of your mind.

The decision to change our name and values was made out of gratitude to our mysterious foreign benefactors, not because they asked us to change them!

We still have our integrity!

We have as much integrity as every other American institution that has taken billions of dollars in foreign money.

And don’t you dare say otherwise – we now have enough money to sue you into silence if you dare say anything to the contrary.

When I was a young, 17-year-old Princeton student, I never dreamed that I could make money from writing the words that came from my heart.

And I couldn’t.

But I had no idea how much money I could make writing the words that came from someone else’s heart under my name!

I am so unbelievably proud to be the recipient of such great foreign generosity.

For so long, I asked myself, “how could these once-great institutions of American freedom betray their values and allow life for Jewish students to become so unbearable?”

Now, I understand.

I thought that American institutions truly valued freedom, but, now, I realize that they actually truly value money.

And there is nothing more American than money.

So, let me conclude with our new slogan:

Spread hate, spread ignorance,

Sell your soul to the highest bidder.

Ted Goldstein

Founder and Editor of The Zionist Voice for Antizionism, De-colonialism, Violent Resistance, Islamist-Marxist-Mao-Zedong-Thought, Justice, Freedom, Shouting, Chanting, Mask-Wearing, and Ceaseless Intifada.

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